Monday, August 22, 2011

Singapore Bathroom Guide

If this is how you feel, then this guide
is for you
Singapore is a diverse place and its bathrooms are no exception.  They can range from luxurious and classy, making you feel like a king.. taking a kingly dump on a porcelain throne... but there are also rank and disgusting cesspools of filth and decay, where you'd be better off releasing your feces into the wild (or behind a dumpster).

Ever since my controversial, critically-acclaimed "Definitive Rice University Dumping Guide" was published, I've had a somewhat misguided dream of compiling a huge database of bathrooms from all over the globe, and someday... maybe even the universe.  Please submit your own entries if you have any particularly personal bathroom stories to share...  and look out for my iPhone app, DumpGoWhere, coming soon.  I wanted to wait until my database was a lot more comprehensive but that could take years so I'll just let you in on a sampling of what's to come (maybe).

The Extremely Arbitrary Bathroom Rating System

  • 1 star (*) - You should avoid 1-star bathrooms like the plague unless you're having one of those "emergency" explosive diarrhea moments.  But even then, you'd still probably be better off trying to poo into a coke bottle.
  • 2 stars (**) - 2-star bathrooms require maximum efficiency and some skill to make it out unscathed.  You need to hold your breath before entering, do your dirty work, wipe and get out before inhaling (or bring a paper bag with you or breathe into your shirt). 
  • 3 stars (***) -  A totally average bathroom, that's usually neither filthy, nor clean... stuck somewhere in bathroom limbo... 
  • 4 stars (****) - 4-star bathrooms are the ones you seek first.  You'd go out of your way to use these bathrooms because you enjoy the finer things in life and appreciate the little details that make your daily #2 extra special.
  • 5 stars (*****) - If you ever stumble across a 5-star bathroom.  Cherish it.  Cherish it my friend because it is a rare and beautiful thing... to find a pristine and spacious public bathroom where upon you may take the sweetest dump of your life.

5 star bathrooms - By revealing the secret locations of these 5-star bathrooms, I am putting myself at risk of being hunted down and tortured by the Secret Society of Public Bathroom Dumpers (aka, the Illuminati)

Fullerton Hotel - Ah, the mecca of bathrooms... I imagine that Zeus himself would send a lighting bolt of crap down into these toilets here if he could. Better is one dump in this hotel than thousands elsewhere.
This stall is larger than my room

Marriot - A quiet, peaceful 5-star bathroom in the middle of orchard road???  Yes it's true. Now that I've told you about it, keep it to yourself, and don't hog the stalls.

Raffles City behind DBS on the 2nd floor - this is a hidden little gem that is almost never occupied, has plenty of legroom and is immaculately clean. Adrian T. also mentioned that the bathrooms in the basement of Raffles City are pretty good (for dumping) too.

Paragon (*new!) - I just found about this on the way to the eye doctor the other day.  The bathrooms in Paragon are nice and clean, with only snotty rich people using the bathrooms.  The best toilets seem to be up in the medical tower where all the different clinics are... very high class.

InterContinental - The hotel attached to Bugis Junction. It's got really nice bathrooms, is near the mall but its location is known to only a select few.

Istana - Yes, I'm referring to the president of Singapore's house.  How do you take a dump there, you ask?  Very, very carefully.. but if you can sneak past all the security and somehow get inside here, you should take a well-deserved dump and consider yourself a living legend.

4 star bathrooms - Not as nice as the 5 star bathrooms, but still a great place to drop your "kids" off at the pool

Ion Shopping Center - for a bathroom in a crowded mall above an MRT station, Ion bathrooms are pretty darn impressive.  The bathroom is fancy-shmancy like the kind you'd find in a 5-star hotel and there are plenty of amenities (toilet paper, soap, paper towels) to take advantage of.  There's even some toilet sanitizer liquid for the seats which can also double has hand sanitizer if you don't have any qualms about cleaning your hands with the same stuff that they use on the toilet seats.

Fullerton Bay Hotel (not to be confused with the Fullerton above) - While the bathrooms here pretty clean, they're small and crowded during peak hours...but the real benefit of dumping (or taking a friend or date here for a romantic dump) is waiting in the posh, comfortable lobby and watching all the rich people driving up in their expensive sports cars.

Scotts Square - In between, Far East Plaza and Tang's on Scotts Road. My wife thinks this one is really clean and nice.

Changi Airport - clean in the public areas, but even cleaner inside the terminals (where only passengers are allowed).  Like Ion, it's very impressive how clean they keep the bathrooms despite the amount of heavy traffic they've got going through here.  Be sure to let the staff know how you feel by rating the bathroom before you leave (not associated with this list).

Crown Plaza Hotel in Changi Airport - not all bathrooms are created equal and God must have spent a little more time on this particular bathroom.  While some complain about how dark and dim the lighting is in the Crown Plaza Hotel, it actually works to your advantage here, because you can poo in one of the luxurious bathrooms if you want, but if you crave adventure and excitement, you can also poo in various corners or behind decorations--all under the cover of darkness and shadow.
Why are the ladies' restrooms so much nicer than the guys'?
Don't ask how I got this photo

3 star bathrooms - these are the boring, average bathrooms that you come across in your everyday life.  There's not much to say about these except they are sufficient for getting the job done and you should keep pretty low expectations

novena , tiong bahru plaza, bugis junction, most malls --- passable but get out of there as quickly as you can.. usually crowded and not ideal if you're a shy dumper.

2 star bathrooms - if you have to take a dump here, layer the toilet seat with at least 5 sheets of toilet paper, use rubber gloves, and even then still try to avoid contact with the toilet seat.  You'll usually come across bathrooms like this when you're in some place far from civilization (the woodlands), when you're at crowded events like F1, or if you're the clubbing type and are at some party or club where you have to compete with everyone else for a stall.

club bathrooms - you can find these in the club, toilet full of bub.  the club got what you need if you're into taking dumps.  just don't expect it to be very clean.

1 star bathrooms - the crappiest of the crappers.  When you can't find a bathroom and you've got a turtle head poking out, you can't be picky about where you lay your brown eggs.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  or if you're just looking for a quick thrill, these are viable options

hawker (outdoor foodcourt) bathrooms..  if you basically touch anything in here you will probably get an infection of some sort

portable toilets - you usually see these at concerts, crowded events like new year's eve, or at wakes.  They're the kind that always tip over or get carried by a crane in the movies while someone's inside of it.

MRT bathrooms - they're constantly being cleaned (like every 30 minutes or so) yet somehow they still manage to be rank and disgusting.

Holes in the ground  - these can be existing holes or a hole you dug yourself.  I don't want to name any names, but a guy who we'll call M.Sacramento highly recommends pooing out in nature at least once in your life.
Martin dug this hole but pooed in the bottle

Under bridges - When you're in a pinch (like when you're pinching your butthole to prevent an accident), nothing beats an impromptu dump under a bridge--just like the good old days when you used to be a hobo.  Oh you weren't?  Well, you can still enjoy this experience...
Can you spot the poop I left here?

I will try to update this as I discover newer and more interesting places to take dumps.  Support my app so we can expand the collective human knowledge of good bathrooms for #2s!!!

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